so confused

Okay, so lately I've been very confused about life in general. I don't know if this is a product of a bad experience on laughing gas last week when I was getting my wisdom teeth out or if I'm just going crazy. During the operation, I was very awake and I took my existence during that time to almost be a puzzle. I was looking for some realization. I felt as if I was stuck in some sort of time loop and each time I came closer and closer to making that realization. Finally, I came to the conclusion that this loop was hell. I bolted up in the dentist's chair in an effort to escape my eternal fate and I was relieved to find that the had loop stopped. Since then I've had recent episodes of feeling very strange about this life and just suddenly being amazed that I am alive and that I'm not going to be here forever. There's just something so intriguing about being alive. Personally, I feel like churches often fail to emphasize the miracle of life. They constantly thank God for sending His son to save us from our sins. However, if we had never existed in the first place, we cannot be saved from our sins. I've had multiple panic attacks recently in regards to feeling very strange about being alive. Some have occurred because of my ability to convince myself that this life is merely a simulation and that if I think about it enough I will suddenly awaken in a new life. Very strange. I have come to the conclusion that this could make a very good Twilight Zone episode. A man wakes up from this life as if it had been a dream and then wakes up from the life he just woke up in in a vicious never ending cycle and then at the end you find out he's dead and is in hell. The concept of eternity also intrigues me. In a way now I'm looking forward to death. However, I've realized that God has put me here for a purpose and I realize that this gift must be used for the best in thanks to the benevolent giver.

I'm also currently reading Simple Spirituality and it is seeping into my soul. It has given me a realization that life is truly a gift and has opened a window outside of this Western box that we are all stuck inside. It has left me pondering about the word success and has showed how little the obtaining of earthly possessions really matters. Although I discussed with my parents the possibility of changing majors, I have decided to stick with accounting due to the technical difficulties of changing majors at the current time. However, I have applied for an internship at To Write Love on Her Arms, which is a nonprofit organization which seeks to provide suicide, depression, and self injury awareness, during the summer in hopes of using my business skills in order to help those in need and not merely gain money. I feel like this might take me out of my comfort zone because I will have to live in Florida for the summer away from my girlfriend, friends, and family. However, I believe that a key to life is stepping out of your comfort zone and stepping into other people's worlds. That is why I have decided that I want to live part of my life in poverty, perhaps in an inner city or in a third world country. Discomfort is the catalyst to change and realization. Time is constantly ticking away and this short life which has been granted to us by the God of the universe should be used for His world and for His purpose.

You truly must be the change you want to see in this world. Westerners such as myself have no true knowledge of the happenings of the world, of the inherent widespread poverty. We are so comfortable in our Lazy Boy chairs, watching our flat screen TVs and we are so disconnected from the people who need us most. I can only pray that God will help me not to fall to this trap again and that he will help me fulfill His purpose.