the last three days

The last three days have truly been a blessing. I have never felt God's presence in my life so strongly. Just as a forward, I've always considered myself a Christian even though I've had a doubting heart. Throughout the week I had been feeling very unmotivated and unfulfilled.

Thursday morning I was sitting in the student center eating my lunch wondering what to do with this ticket I bought to a Lupe Fiasco/Ludacris concert on campus. I had bought the ticket with no intention of going and only the intention of making a profit. My eyes drifted around the building for a prospective buyer and they stopped at the lady working behind the coffee shop counter. My school brings in people from a poor area nearby and offers them employment. A moment came to mind when I was purchasing coffee and this lady had been talking about the concert with a friend and how she had no opportunity to purchase a ticket. I made up my mind to give her that opportunity. I went up to her and asked for a small coffee, handed her the ticket and asked if she'd be interested. She said no at first because she thought I was scalping. I then went on to explain to her that I couldn't make it to the concert tomorrow night and I was wondering if she could give it to someone who would appreciate it. She couldn't stop thanking me. That, was the highlight of my week. The feeling of giving is better than any feeling of personal accomplishment. This was just the beginning of my amazing three days.

I've been struggling with pornography for a very long time now and lately I've been attending a Bible study called get real which focuses in on these sort of struggles. On to how God amazes me. On Thursday I returned from dinner wondering what to do with my free time. I decided to do something I hadn't done in quite a while, post on the prayerwall of xxxchurch, an outlet for those who suffer in the area of lust. I began by writing about my doubts in God. I had previously presented a question on this message board regarding how I believed that salvation was not equally accesible for all of humanity and how I didn't think it was fair that people could suffer an eternity in hell just because Christians didn't reach out to them. Whenever I ask this question I always get the answer of, "you are questioning the God of the universe, he is the creator of fairness, etc." and for some reason this has always bothered me. That evening, I posted a similar question, but explained myself further. My other doubt was why God put such sin in my life (lust) at such a young age, before I even understood what I was doing. I ended up writing the whole history of my past experiences with lust. I started off trying to defend my point of asking why God puts such sin in a child's life who does not understand the significance of what he/she is doing however, once I began my story I realized that even when I was that young and didn't exactly know what I was getting into, I knew it was wrong and I struggled with putting an end to my sin. I then continued to explain my progression through time. What really hit me was when I got to college. In my freshman year of college I met and fell in love with the most amazing girl. She is one of the strongest Christians I know and I am so thankful that God has given me the opportunity of being in a relationship with her. I wrote of our relationship and how my struggles brought her so much pain and of how, at one point, I nearly cheated on her due to my struggles and my inability to control my lust. I told her everything and somehow she forgave me. I feel like she is very unique in that she has a very strong belief in unconditional love. I can only wish that I will have a fraction of her understanding of unconditional love. Earlier in the week, this was the very girl that I had been neglecting. Tears came to my eyes as I continued writing about our relationship. I had a vivid realization of all that I had put her through and how undeserving I was of her love. Then came my epiuphany, I made a discovery of how God works. I was always skeptical of when people talked of how He lays things on your heart in order to draw you closer to Him, but through my writing, I realized that that is exactly what he had done. My reasoning behind stopping my lust had always been an earthly reason, to end my guilt, to stop hurting my girlfriend, I had never laid my burden before the God of the universe, yet that's what He had been looking for the whole time. I had to realize that I could not handle this problem on my own, I needed to confess my sin and have His divine hand upon me. Amazing. As I closed my story and spoke of my sudden realization and clicked the post button, it told me that I could not post. I tried to cut/copy my story with no luck. My entire story, questions, and realization, dissapeared before my eyes. I almost felt like the posting wasn't neccesary at that point, that God's purpose for my writing had already been fulfilled. I then went to see my girlfirend and tell her of this realization. I told her of everything and how much I loved her and how thankful I was for her. In the conversation I remembered Stephen Christians post on The Three Lies and I made yet another realization.

Lately, I had been feeling very unfulfilled about my major in accounting. I remembered his words and realized that I had no ligitimate reason to be an accountant. Honestly, it was mainly my parents idea in the first place because I was very indecisive, so I decided to give it a try. On Wednesday mornings I have my accounting seminar and recently, some companies have been coming in recruiting. They told us of long hrs. (55 hr. weeks during busy season) and high pay ($450,000/yr. after 12 years). I looked back on my lack of enjoyment and these two key factors and decided that accounting is not for me. Although, I may require a fifth year of school, I decided that my major needed to be changed, most likely to music ed: Less pay, more free time to spend with loved ones, more ability to touch lives, and something that I really have a passion for, music.

On Friday morning, I went back and looked at the post made by Stephen and looked up the book that he referenced. This is where things get really amazing. The book is titled Simple Spirituality: Learning to See God in a Broken World by Christopher L. Heuetz and addresses the very question I asked in the beginning of my post to xxchurch, the very question that has been on my mind for the past year. This man has spent his life in the "seminary of the slums" and has lived most of his life with the people I was describing as having a meager chance of receiving the grace of God due to the situations they were born into. Amazing. I immediatly purchased the book and have begun reading it. I am so excited and can't wait to see what God has in store for my life.

God works in amazing ways!
Thank you for listening.

-Hahn