Okay, so lately I've been very confused about life in general. I don't know if this is a product of a bad experience on laughing gas last week when I was getting my wisdom teeth out or if I'm just going crazy. During the operation, I was very awake and I took my existence during that time to almost be a puzzle. I was looking for some realization. I felt as if I was stuck in some sort of time loop and each time I came closer and closer to making that realization. Finally, I came to the conclusion that this loop was hell. I bolted up in the dentist's chair in an effort to escape my eternal fate and I was relieved to find that the had loop stopped. Since then I've had recent episodes of feeling very strange about this life and just suddenly being amazed that I am alive and that I'm not going to be here forever. There's just something so intriguing about being alive. Personally, I feel like churches often fail to emphasize the miracle of life. They constantly thank God for sending His son to save us from our sins. However, if we had never existed in the first place, we cannot be saved from our sins. I've had multiple panic attacks recently in regards to feeling very strange about being alive. Some have occurred because of my ability to convince myself that this life is merely a simulation and that if I think about it enough I will suddenly awaken in a new life. Very strange. I have come to the conclusion that this could make a very good Twilight Zone episode. A man wakes up from this life as if it had been a dream and then wakes up from the life he just woke up in in a vicious never ending cycle and then at the end you find out he's dead and is in hell. The concept of eternity also intrigues me. In a way now I'm looking forward to death. However, I've realized that God has put me here for a purpose and I realize that this gift must be used for the best in thanks to the benevolent giver.
I'm also currently reading Simple Spirituality and it is seeping into my soul. It has given me a realization that life is truly a gift and has opened a window outside of this Western box that we are all stuck inside. It has left me pondering about the word success and has showed how little the obtaining of earthly possessions really matters. Although I discussed with my parents the possibility of changing majors, I have decided to stick with accounting due to the technical difficulties of changing majors at the current time. However, I have applied for an internship at To Write Love on Her Arms, which is a nonprofit organization which seeks to provide suicide, depression, and self injury awareness, during the summer in hopes of using my business skills in order to help those in need and not merely gain money. I feel like this might take me out of my comfort zone because I will have to live in Florida for the summer away from my girlfriend, friends, and family. However, I believe that a key to life is stepping out of your comfort zone and stepping into other people's worlds. That is why I have decided that I want to live part of my life in poverty, perhaps in an inner city or in a third world country. Discomfort is the catalyst to change and realization. Time is constantly ticking away and this short life which has been granted to us by the God of the universe should be used for His world and for His purpose.
You truly must be the change you want to see in this world. Westerners such as myself have no true knowledge of the happenings of the world, of the inherent widespread poverty. We are so comfortable in our Lazy Boy chairs, watching our flat screen TVs and we are so disconnected from the people who need us most. I can only pray that God will help me not to fall to this trap again and that he will help me fulfill His purpose.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
the last three days
The last three days have truly been a blessing. I have never felt God's presence in my life so strongly. Just as a forward, I've always considered myself a Christian even though I've had a doubting heart. Throughout the week I had been feeling very unmotivated and unfulfilled.
Thursday morning I was sitting in the student center eating my lunch wondering what to do with this ticket I bought to a Lupe Fiasco/Ludacris concert on campus. I had bought the ticket with no intention of going and only the intention of making a profit. My eyes drifted around the building for a prospective buyer and they stopped at the lady working behind the coffee shop counter. My school brings in people from a poor area nearby and offers them employment. A moment came to mind when I was purchasing coffee and this lady had been talking about the concert with a friend and how she had no opportunity to purchase a ticket. I made up my mind to give her that opportunity. I went up to her and asked for a small coffee, handed her the ticket and asked if she'd be interested. She said no at first because she thought I was scalping. I then went on to explain to her that I couldn't make it to the concert tomorrow night and I was wondering if she could give it to someone who would appreciate it. She couldn't stop thanking me. That, was the highlight of my week. The feeling of giving is better than any feeling of personal accomplishment. This was just the beginning of my amazing three days.
I've been struggling with pornography for a very long time now and lately I've been attending a Bible study called get real which focuses in on these sort of struggles. On to how God amazes me. On Thursday I returned from dinner wondering what to do with my free time. I decided to do something I hadn't done in quite a while, post on the prayerwall of xxxchurch, an outlet for those who suffer in the area of lust. I began by writing about my doubts in God. I had previously presented a question on this message board regarding how I believed that salvation was not equally accesible for all of humanity and how I didn't think it was fair that people could suffer an eternity in hell just because Christians didn't reach out to them. Whenever I ask this question I always get the answer of, "you are questioning the God of the universe, he is the creator of fairness, etc." and for some reason this has always bothered me. That evening, I posted a similar question, but explained myself further. My other doubt was why God put such sin in my life (lust) at such a young age, before I even understood what I was doing. I ended up writing the whole history of my past experiences with lust. I started off trying to defend my point of asking why God puts such sin in a child's life who does not understand the significance of what he/she is doing however, once I began my story I realized that even when I was that young and didn't exactly know what I was getting into, I knew it was wrong and I struggled with putting an end to my sin. I then continued to explain my progression through time. What really hit me was when I got to college. In my freshman year of college I met and fell in love with the most amazing girl. She is one of the strongest Christians I know and I am so thankful that God has given me the opportunity of being in a relationship with her. I wrote of our relationship and how my struggles brought her so much pain and of how, at one point, I nearly cheated on her due to my struggles and my inability to control my lust. I told her everything and somehow she forgave me. I feel like she is very unique in that she has a very strong belief in unconditional love. I can only wish that I will have a fraction of her understanding of unconditional love. Earlier in the week, this was the very girl that I had been neglecting. Tears came to my eyes as I continued writing about our relationship. I had a vivid realization of all that I had put her through and how undeserving I was of her love. Then came my epiuphany, I made a discovery of how God works. I was always skeptical of when people talked of how He lays things on your heart in order to draw you closer to Him, but through my writing, I realized that that is exactly what he had done. My reasoning behind stopping my lust had always been an earthly reason, to end my guilt, to stop hurting my girlfriend, I had never laid my burden before the God of the universe, yet that's what He had been looking for the whole time. I had to realize that I could not handle this problem on my own, I needed to confess my sin and have His divine hand upon me. Amazing. As I closed my story and spoke of my sudden realization and clicked the post button, it told me that I could not post. I tried to cut/copy my story with no luck. My entire story, questions, and realization, dissapeared before my eyes. I almost felt like the posting wasn't neccesary at that point, that God's purpose for my writing had already been fulfilled. I then went to see my girlfirend and tell her of this realization. I told her of everything and how much I loved her and how thankful I was for her. In the conversation I remembered Stephen Christians post on The Three Lies and I made yet another realization.
Lately, I had been feeling very unfulfilled about my major in accounting. I remembered his words and realized that I had no ligitimate reason to be an accountant. Honestly, it was mainly my parents idea in the first place because I was very indecisive, so I decided to give it a try. On Wednesday mornings I have my accounting seminar and recently, some companies have been coming in recruiting. They told us of long hrs. (55 hr. weeks during busy season) and high pay ($450,000/yr. after 12 years). I looked back on my lack of enjoyment and these two key factors and decided that accounting is not for me. Although, I may require a fifth year of school, I decided that my major needed to be changed, most likely to music ed: Less pay, more free time to spend with loved ones, more ability to touch lives, and something that I really have a passion for, music.
On Friday morning, I went back and looked at the post made by Stephen and looked up the book that he referenced. This is where things get really amazing. The book is titled Simple Spirituality: Learning to See God in a Broken World by Christopher L. Heuetz and addresses the very question I asked in the beginning of my post to xxchurch, the very question that has been on my mind for the past year. This man has spent his life in the "seminary of the slums" and has lived most of his life with the people I was describing as having a meager chance of receiving the grace of God due to the situations they were born into. Amazing. I immediatly purchased the book and have begun reading it. I am so excited and can't wait to see what God has in store for my life.
God works in amazing ways!
Thank you for listening.
-Hahn
Thursday morning I was sitting in the student center eating my lunch wondering what to do with this ticket I bought to a Lupe Fiasco/Ludacris concert on campus. I had bought the ticket with no intention of going and only the intention of making a profit. My eyes drifted around the building for a prospective buyer and they stopped at the lady working behind the coffee shop counter. My school brings in people from a poor area nearby and offers them employment. A moment came to mind when I was purchasing coffee and this lady had been talking about the concert with a friend and how she had no opportunity to purchase a ticket. I made up my mind to give her that opportunity. I went up to her and asked for a small coffee, handed her the ticket and asked if she'd be interested. She said no at first because she thought I was scalping. I then went on to explain to her that I couldn't make it to the concert tomorrow night and I was wondering if she could give it to someone who would appreciate it. She couldn't stop thanking me. That, was the highlight of my week. The feeling of giving is better than any feeling of personal accomplishment. This was just the beginning of my amazing three days.
I've been struggling with pornography for a very long time now and lately I've been attending a Bible study called get real which focuses in on these sort of struggles. On to how God amazes me. On Thursday I returned from dinner wondering what to do with my free time. I decided to do something I hadn't done in quite a while, post on the prayerwall of xxxchurch, an outlet for those who suffer in the area of lust. I began by writing about my doubts in God. I had previously presented a question on this message board regarding how I believed that salvation was not equally accesible for all of humanity and how I didn't think it was fair that people could suffer an eternity in hell just because Christians didn't reach out to them. Whenever I ask this question I always get the answer of, "you are questioning the God of the universe, he is the creator of fairness, etc." and for some reason this has always bothered me. That evening, I posted a similar question, but explained myself further. My other doubt was why God put such sin in my life (lust) at such a young age, before I even understood what I was doing. I ended up writing the whole history of my past experiences with lust. I started off trying to defend my point of asking why God puts such sin in a child's life who does not understand the significance of what he/she is doing however, once I began my story I realized that even when I was that young and didn't exactly know what I was getting into, I knew it was wrong and I struggled with putting an end to my sin. I then continued to explain my progression through time. What really hit me was when I got to college. In my freshman year of college I met and fell in love with the most amazing girl. She is one of the strongest Christians I know and I am so thankful that God has given me the opportunity of being in a relationship with her. I wrote of our relationship and how my struggles brought her so much pain and of how, at one point, I nearly cheated on her due to my struggles and my inability to control my lust. I told her everything and somehow she forgave me. I feel like she is very unique in that she has a very strong belief in unconditional love. I can only wish that I will have a fraction of her understanding of unconditional love. Earlier in the week, this was the very girl that I had been neglecting. Tears came to my eyes as I continued writing about our relationship. I had a vivid realization of all that I had put her through and how undeserving I was of her love. Then came my epiuphany, I made a discovery of how God works. I was always skeptical of when people talked of how He lays things on your heart in order to draw you closer to Him, but through my writing, I realized that that is exactly what he had done. My reasoning behind stopping my lust had always been an earthly reason, to end my guilt, to stop hurting my girlfriend, I had never laid my burden before the God of the universe, yet that's what He had been looking for the whole time. I had to realize that I could not handle this problem on my own, I needed to confess my sin and have His divine hand upon me. Amazing. As I closed my story and spoke of my sudden realization and clicked the post button, it told me that I could not post. I tried to cut/copy my story with no luck. My entire story, questions, and realization, dissapeared before my eyes. I almost felt like the posting wasn't neccesary at that point, that God's purpose for my writing had already been fulfilled. I then went to see my girlfirend and tell her of this realization. I told her of everything and how much I loved her and how thankful I was for her. In the conversation I remembered Stephen Christians post on The Three Lies and I made yet another realization.
Lately, I had been feeling very unfulfilled about my major in accounting. I remembered his words and realized that I had no ligitimate reason to be an accountant. Honestly, it was mainly my parents idea in the first place because I was very indecisive, so I decided to give it a try. On Wednesday mornings I have my accounting seminar and recently, some companies have been coming in recruiting. They told us of long hrs. (55 hr. weeks during busy season) and high pay ($450,000/yr. after 12 years). I looked back on my lack of enjoyment and these two key factors and decided that accounting is not for me. Although, I may require a fifth year of school, I decided that my major needed to be changed, most likely to music ed: Less pay, more free time to spend with loved ones, more ability to touch lives, and something that I really have a passion for, music.
On Friday morning, I went back and looked at the post made by Stephen and looked up the book that he referenced. This is where things get really amazing. The book is titled Simple Spirituality: Learning to See God in a Broken World by Christopher L. Heuetz and addresses the very question I asked in the beginning of my post to xxchurch, the very question that has been on my mind for the past year. This man has spent his life in the "seminary of the slums" and has lived most of his life with the people I was describing as having a meager chance of receiving the grace of God due to the situations they were born into. Amazing. I immediatly purchased the book and have begun reading it. I am so excited and can't wait to see what God has in store for my life.
God works in amazing ways!
Thank you for listening.
-Hahn
A new beginning.
Okay, so here I am, about four years since my last blogging experience. It's amazing how things have changed. My last blog ended in a fiery crash when my parents found it and read some disturbing details of my thoughts. There was such anger in my writing. My parents discovered such things as a story of how I skipped class. The absolute worst however was one of the last posts which quoted words from Green Day's The Death of St. Jimmy and included hateful words about my parents mixed with vulgar profanity. I think that may have been the most hurt I had burdened anyone with up to that point. How naive I was to express these hateful words publicly about the very couple who gave up hours upon hours, days upon days, and years upon years to raise me. Sure, at times I was annoyed with my parents restrictions, but I was too young to look beyond these rules and see that they were all done out of love.
Therefore, I dedicate this blog to my parents. I love them both dearly and thank them for all that they have done for both my sister and I.
Therefore, I dedicate this blog to my parents. I love them both dearly and thank them for all that they have done for both my sister and I.
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